 | Home > Off Topic > Joke of the day ... (beat this) |
 
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| JWL Member Since: 26 Oct 2011 Location: Hereford Posts: 3443   
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A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?" |
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9th Feb 2016 11:43pm |
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| Paddie42 Member Since: 24 Apr 2014 Location: Hamphire Posts: 230 
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Just been sent this by SWMBO;
 
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18th Feb 2016 5:04pm |
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| Happyoldgit Member Since: 14 Sep 2007 Location: Norfolk Posts: 3471  
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A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice, local but luxurious hotel.
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for 250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth 250.00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that 250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre, which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ' "Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were famous. "We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows." She pleaded. "Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay. She pulled out some money and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he counted the money. "But Madam, there is only 50.00 here." "That's correct" she replied "I charged you 200.00 for sleeping with me." "But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have!!" Steve. Owned numerous Land Rover vehicles of all shapes and sizes over the decades. Current Defender: A non tarts hand-bagged Puma 110 XS USW. [Insert something impressive here such as extensive list of previous Land Rovers or examples of your prestigeous and expensive items, trinkets, houses, bikes, vehicles etc] http://forums.lr4x4.com I used to be Miserable ...but now I'm ecstatic. |
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24th Feb 2016 12:59pm |
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| ian series 1 Member Since: 17 Nov 2014 Location: south Posts: 3127 
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^^^
80" 80" 86" 88" 90"
Wanted, Forward Control Anything considered. |
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24th Feb 2016 1:11pm |
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| Venomator Member Since: 25 Aug 2014 Location: Peterborough Posts: 2087
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Ditto...
And see you... Rog... 
The GREEN One... MY2016 Urban Truck Build Thread - http://www.defender2.net/forum/topic40548....al[/color] |
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24th Feb 2016 1:25pm |
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| Petronius4 Member Since: 07 Oct 2015 Location: Somerset Posts: 94 
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A farmer noticed that his chickens were sick, and called in a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to help diagnose the problem.
The biologist observed the chickens, concluding, "I can tell you there's something wrong with your chickens, but I don't know what's causing it." The chemist took fluid samples from the chickens back to his lab, and returned saying, "I can tell you what's infecting your chickens, but I don't know how they got it." Meanwhile, the physicist had been sitting on the floor, scribbling maddly on several notebooks worth of paper. Suddenly, he jumped up, exclaiming, "I have the answer, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum."  -------------------------------
👲🏻 1986 ex-Military 90 NAD 2.5 Soft Top. Sold 🇬🇧 2015 Defender 90 - Ripon Landrover Heritage 006 |
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24th Feb 2016 3:21pm |
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| Paddie42 Member Since: 24 Apr 2014 Location: Hamphire Posts: 230
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DEAR ABBY
My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies . I know he`s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters. I know because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and ugly face turn him off! Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby ? Your advice would be appreciated ..... Mad as Hell ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Mad as Hell, You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.! Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and try to act like a lady! Remember ....... you`re running for President of the United States, so try acting like it! |
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26th Feb 2016 11:54am |
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| jimbob7 Member Since: 06 Jul 2013 Location: uk Posts: 2055 |
One afternoon a lawyer was riding out in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed,he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man,"why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any food ," the poor man replied...."We have to eat grass." "Well,then,you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer replied. "But sir,I have a wife and two children with me.They are over there,under the tree." "Bring them along",the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated,"You may come with us ,also." The second man,in a pitiful voice,then said, "but sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task,even for a car as large as a limousine. Once under way,0ne of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir,you are too kind." "Thank you for taking us with you." The lawyer replied,"glad to do it,you'll really love my place,the grass is almost a foot high." Come on now....you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer/rich person/Porsche owner story did you??? (Apologies for any grammer mistakes.!!} Pov.spec,ftw. 2006, 110,TD5. |
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29th Feb 2016 4:11pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897 
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I can cut timber just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
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1st Mar 2016 11:48am |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069 
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Why do cows have hooves and not feet?
Cos they lack toes |
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6th Mar 2016 6:26pm |
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| stanley Member Since: 18 Sep 2009 Location: Dorset /hampshire Posts: 1032 
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Just had an interview for an apprentice farrier today , didn't go too well!
First question " do you have any experience of shooing horses?" Me " No ....... But I did tell a donkey to p&s off once " I'll get me coat |
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7th Mar 2016 6:19pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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17th Mar 2016 1:01pm |
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| shaggydog Member Since: 12 Aug 2012 Location: Kent Posts: 3347 
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 Brilliant Running Restoration Thread http://www.defender2.net/forum/post323197.html#323197
Self confessed mileage hunter |
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17th Mar 2016 1:06pm |
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| custom90 Member Since: 21 Jan 2010 Location: South West, England. Posts: 20299
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Q. What do you call Ducks with physocological issues?
A. Quackers. |
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25th Mar 2016 11:52am |
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