 | Home > Off Topic > Joke of the day ... (beat this) |
 
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897   
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Luvit
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21st Nov 2014 11:35am |
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| Paddie42 Member Since: 24 Apr 2014 Location: Hamphire Posts: 230 
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21st Nov 2014 11:55am |
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| shaggydog Member Since: 12 Aug 2012 Location: Kent Posts: 3347  
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Did you hear the one about the Spanish magician?
"I will be disappear by the count of 3" Un, Dos............and disappeared without a tres
I'll get my coat... Running Restoration Thread http://www.defender2.net/forum/post323197.html#323197 Self confessed mileage hunter |
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12th Dec 2014 11:05pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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Prisons these days are like holiday camps
Full of 1970's entertainers |
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12th Dec 2014 11:22pm |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4646 
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I thought I'd put the romance back into the marriage so I decided to carry the wife over the threshold. Unfortunately I couldn't get the loan of a forklift from the local builders merchants.
 1982 88" 2.25 diesel
1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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13th Dec 2014 10:07am |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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26th Dec 2014 3:27pm |
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| lukev01 Member Since: 24 Mar 2012 Location: Bedfordshire Posts: 412 
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
. . . . . . . . Look for the fresh prints😄 1970 Series 2A 88" |
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26th Dec 2014 4:19pm |
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| Venomator Member Since: 25 Aug 2014 Location: Peterborough Posts: 2087
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That really is quite bad Luke...
Rog... 
The GREEN One... MY2016 Urban Truck Build Thread - http://www.defender2.net/forum/topic40548....al[/color] |
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27th Dec 2014 7:15pm |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4646
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Q.What do you call a group of chess players in a hotel lobby discussing their past triumphs in chess tournaments?
A. Chessnuts boasting in an open foyer. 1982 88" 2.25 diesel
1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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2nd Jan 2015 11:28am |
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| celticpilgrim Member Since: 23 Nov 2014 Location: Wiltshire Posts: 26 
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I haven't read all of the pages, so apologies if these are reposts.....mostly pub jokes
A man walks into a pub, and says to the Barman 'can I have 10 double Whiskeys please?' 'Sure, says the barman, and proceeds to pour them, and put them on the bar. The guy throws the drinks down his neck as fast as the barman can out them on the counter. 'Hey there fella, you're drinking them a but quick, aren't you?' 'You would too, if you had what i've got' 'Why' said the barman, 'what have you got?' '50p' says the bloke!! ******************************************************************************************************* A man walks into a pub with an octopus under his arm and asks for a free drink. The barman asks him why he should give him a free drink, and what the hell was that thing under his arm. The man tells the barman that the 'thing' is Brian, his musical Octopus, and for a few free beers, Brian will play any musical instrument given to him. The barman says that if the octopus can play the pub piano, the bloke can have free beer for the evening. The man sits Brian down at the piano, and for the rest of the evening, the pub is treated to everything from Elton John, Billy Joel to classical favourites. Word soon spreads, and each evening, somebody brings in a new instrument for Brian to play. A violin - close your eyes, and it could be Andre Rieu An electric guitar, makes Steve Vai sound ham-fisted. And so it goes on with Brian defeating all comers......until one night, when old Jock walks in to see if Brian could do anything with his bagpipes. After 10 minutes of intense staring, Brian hasn't even touched the pipes. The barman asks Brian if he was going to play with the bagpipes, to which Brian replies: 'Sod playing, if I can figure out how to get her tartan pyjamas of, I'm going to shag her to death'!! ******************************************************************************************************** A man walks into a pub, and orders 3 pints of Guinness and sits at a table. After 10 minutes, the barman notices that the guy is still alone and has finished his pint. As he collects the empty glass, the barman asks the man if his 2 friends haven't turning up, to which he replies that he's on his own. 'But you ordered 3 pints' says the barman. 'Ah yes, maybe I should explain' says the man, 'Since we were old enough to drink, me & my two brothers have always met up on a Friday after work for a couple of pints, but the other 2 are working away at the moment, and by doing this, I feel in a way that they're here with me'. The barman thought this odd, but quite sweet at the same time. This goes on past autumn, over Christmas & New Year and into spring. Until one day the barman notices that the guy is sitting at a table with only 2 pints in front of him. Fearing the worst, the barman asks if one of the brothers has passed away. The man replies, saying that both brothers are alive and well... 'But you've only got 2 pints on the table' says the Barman. 'I know' says the guy, 'I'm off the beer for Lent'!! ****************************************************************************************************** and finally (thank god, you say) a quick one: Why is dealing with the Mafia like oral sex? A slip of the tongue and you're in the sh*t!! |
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2nd Jan 2015 9:50pm |
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| excossack Member Since: 22 Feb 2012 Location: North West Posts: 5842 
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I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they meant.....
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.........Nothing. Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.......... I think they were those Hovis Witnesses. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.........Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche... Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon. ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!! Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka! Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD? Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kîtchen?! Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says.......... ' Wimbledon .' Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour! 1999 Defender TD5 110 Regards John M0VAZ Econet Station 48 no clock |
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7th Jan 2015 7:55pm |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069 
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The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”. The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’, not fascinating”. Sally raised her hand. She said, ”My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated”. The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate”. Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’ so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried. I love this little  !!!
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8th Jan 2015 1:47pm |
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| Venomator Member Since: 25 Aug 2014 Location: Peterborough Posts: 2087
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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as
his wife moved forwards then backwards, forwards then backwards, again and again. Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .and louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream and shouted; "OK, OK, you smug ,
I can't parallel park, you do it." HAPPY NEW YEAR! Rog...
The GREEN One... MY2016 Urban Truck Build Thread - http://www.defender2.net/forum/topic40548....al[/color] |
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8th Jan 2015 5:04pm |
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| celticpilgrim Member Since: 23 Nov 2014 Location: Wiltshire Posts: 26
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At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen.
I gasped as she squeezed and pulled it gently..... It was the best balloon Giraffe i had ever seen |
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9th Jan 2015 9:43pm |
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