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| steventheplumber Member Since: 29 Apr 2014 Location: Lincolnshire Posts: 767   
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Do you like a we dram!
http://travel.aol.co.uk/2015/01/10/conman-...ol_1243325  |
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10th Jan 2015 6:32pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897 
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Whilst strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11 am I noticed a terrorist slip from the quayside and fall into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.
Being a responsible British citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Service. It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet responded. I'm starting to think I've wasted four stamps.  |
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17th Jan 2015 6:27pm |
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| steventheplumber Member Since: 29 Apr 2014 Location: Lincolnshire Posts: 767
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Laurie, thats funny.
First or second class? |
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18th Jan 2015 9:01am |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069 
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken! |
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1st Feb 2015 3:52pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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Lawyer says to the CEO: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”
The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.” The lawyer says: “Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 million…” The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what is the bad news?” The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you having sex with your secretary.” |
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7th Feb 2015 2:27pm |
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| Flyingfocrs Member Since: 12 Jan 2015 Location: Deepest darkest Aberdeenshire Posts: 155  
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say " nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge! |
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7th Feb 2015 6:01pm |
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| gilarion Member Since: 05 Dec 2013 Location: Wales Posts: 5109  
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Click image to enlarge For those who like Welsh Mountains and narrow boats have a look at my videos and photos at.. http://www.youtube.com/user/conwy1 |
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25th Feb 2015 1:48pm |
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| MartinK Member Since: 02 Mar 2011 Location: Silverdale (Lancashire/Cumbria Border) Posts: 2665  
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A blonde lady gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. "You ok?" she asks. "Yes" he replies. "You can go and play with the other kids, you know" she says. "It's best I stay here" he says. "Why's that, sweetie?" asks the blonde. The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Er ......because I'm the goal keeper!!" Defender "Puma" 2.4 110 County Utility (possibly the last of the 2.4's) |
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25th Feb 2015 1:58pm |
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| ARC99 Member Since: 19 Feb 2013 Location: North Yorkshire Posts: 1831 
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Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to  us off.
Richard |
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25th Feb 2015 3:37pm |
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| MartinK Member Since: 02 Mar 2011 Location: Silverdale (Lancashire/Cumbria Border) Posts: 2665
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Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque.
“Good morning”, says Ed, “could you please cash this cheque for me?” Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?” Miliband: “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!” Cashier: “Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification”. Miliband: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!” Cashier: “I’m sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”. Miliband: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”. Cashier: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Rory McIlroy came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Rory McIlroy he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Rory McIlroy and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray. Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing that I’m any good at.” Cashier: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband ?? Defender "Puma" 2.4 110 County Utility (possibly the last of the 2.4's) |
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25th Feb 2015 4:03pm |
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| Grenadier Member Since: 23 Jul 2014 Location: The foot of Mont Blanc... Posts: 5804  
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3 drunk guys got in to a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine, turned it off again and then said, "We have reached your destination".
The 1st guy gave him the money, the 2nd guy said "Thank you" and the 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!" Monsieur Le Grenadier I've not been everywhere, but it's on my list..... 2011 Puma 110DC - Corris Grey |
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25th Feb 2015 4:09pm |
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| Grenadier Member Since: 23 Jul 2014 Location: The foot of Mont Blanc... Posts: 5804
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A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor, "Show me."
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" and she says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," says the Doctor, "Your finger's broken." Monsieur Le Grenadier I've not been everywhere, but it's on my list..... 2011 Puma 110DC - Corris Grey |
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25th Feb 2015 4:11pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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This year's Brits will always be remembered for its fabulous tribute to 'Allo 'Allo!, featuring the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies.
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27th Feb 2015 1:37pm |
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| Grenadier Member Since: 23 Jul 2014 Location: The foot of Mont Blanc... Posts: 5804
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Joke of the day:
'Bomber' Lancaster picking Goode to replace Brown in the England XV.... 
Sorry,  Monsieur Le Grenadier
I've not been everywhere, but it's on my list..... 2011 Puma 110DC - Corris Grey |
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27th Feb 2015 1:42pm |
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