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| gilarion Member Since: 05 Dec 2013 Location: Wales Posts: 5110   
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 Click image to enlarge For those who like Welsh Mountains and narrow boats have a look at my videos and photos at.. http://www.youtube.com/user/conwy1 |
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20th Nov 2020 2:54pm |
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| RoadForce Member Since: 17 Jul 2014 Location: Holland Posts: 334  
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I was cleaning up the attic, found an old bottle and a genie appeared. I got to make one wish: either have a brilliant mind and never forget a thing, or be seriously well endowed. I can't recall which I picked... Defender 130 HCPU Td5 MY2000
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25th Nov 2020 10:16am |
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| Badger110 Member Since: 06 Feb 2018 Location: South hams Posts: 1039  
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to... 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you. 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted |
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1st Dec 2020 9:55am |
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| Badger110 Member Since: 06 Feb 2018 Location: South hams Posts: 1039
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The only cow in a small village in Wales stopped giving milk but the village folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow down from Scotland and took it to the village. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They brought a strong Welsh bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away, disinterested. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from him and he was never able to do the deed The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by any chance buy this cow in Scotland?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow down from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you possibly know we got the cow from Scotland ?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife's from Scotland" |
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1st Dec 2020 9:55am |
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| Badger110 Member Since: 06 Feb 2018 Location: South hams Posts: 1039
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🤣🤣
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!" |
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1st Dec 2020 10:14am |
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| C&M Member Since: 28 Aug 2020 Location: Hampshire Posts: 185
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An old lady walks into a bank and tells the bank clerk she wants to withdraw £10 from her account.
The bank clerk rudely tells her that she cannot take less than £100 out from the desk, she has to use the ATM outside The old lady remained silent for a couple of minutes. then handed her card to the bank clerk. "I would like to withdraw all of the money in my account then". The clerk was astonished to see she had over £300,000 in her account. Quietly he tells her they don't hold that amount on site but if she would come back tomorrow she can withdraw it all. The old lady asks how much can she withdraw. The bank clerk tells her she can withdraw up to £3,000 today. she tells him to withdraw the £3,000 then The bank clerk hands her over £3,000. The old lady puts £10 in her purse and asks the bank clerk to deposit £2,990 back into her account. The moral of the story is...... Don't be difficult with old people, they have spent a lifetime learning the skill Defender D250 HSE Dender 110 XS - sadly gone VW Polo VW Caravelle - Gen 6 |
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1st Dec 2020 12:20pm |
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| DSC-off Member Since: 16 Oct 2014 Location: North East Posts: 1400 
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Click image to enlarge |
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2nd Dec 2020 11:00pm |
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| Badger110 Member Since: 06 Feb 2018 Location: South hams Posts: 1039
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that Their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians". One week later, the British authorities reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless." Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it! |
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3rd Dec 2020 11:57am |
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| athelstan Member Since: 06 Aug 2019 Location: Kent Posts: 55 
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Grandad gets it wrong!!...............very wrong.
2015 90 XS Station Wagon Puma 2.2 2015 Morgan Plus 4 |
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5th Dec 2020 2:16pm |
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| Muddybigdog Member Since: 11 Apr 2014 Location: Suffolk Posts: 1017 
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Jumped ship to reliability - Mitsubishi L200
Puma 90 XS - Sold D3 - 2.7 S x2 (both Sold) Freelander 2 HSE - Sold Freelander 1 - Sold Disco 2 - Sold |
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5th Dec 2020 3:25pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897  
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LUVIT
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6th Dec 2020 2:51am |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4650 
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I ran my fingers through the wife's hair last night......I was cleaning out the drain in the shower. 1982 88" 2.25 diesel
1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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6th Dec 2020 11:27pm |
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| Muddybigdog Member Since: 11 Apr 2014 Location: Suffolk Posts: 1017
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Gold's top 20 funniest new Christmas cracker jokes for 2020 are:
1. What is Dominic Cummings' favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas. 2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop? Many of his workers have had to elf isolate. 3. Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled. 4. Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity. 5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen. 6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it's behind you. 7. Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn. 8. Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn't know how many tiers it should have. 9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread. 10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone. 11. How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail. 12. Why won't Santa lose any presents this year? He's downloaded Sack and Trace. 13. How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas? It'll take ages to flatten the curve. 14. How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year? Fine. No sweat. 15. Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials? Because they only wanted guinea pigs. 16. Which Government scheme supports Christmas dinner? Eat Sprout To Help Out. 17. How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party? Put him on mute. 18. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited? He keeps a logbook. 19. Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas? Marcus Rashford. 20. Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem? Because they couldn't book a home delivery. Jumped ship to reliability - Mitsubishi L200 Puma 90 XS - Sold D3 - 2.7 S x2 (both Sold) Freelander 2 HSE - Sold Freelander 1 - Sold Disco 2 - Sold |
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8th Dec 2020 10:01pm |
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| gilarion Member Since: 05 Dec 2013 Location: Wales Posts: 5110
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Click image to enlarge For those who like Welsh Mountains and narrow boats have a look at my videos and photos at.. http://www.youtube.com/user/conwy1 |
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16th Dec 2020 12:18pm |
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