 | Home > Off Topic > Best Joke in the World....Ever! |
 
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| pom Member Since: 01 Jun 2010 Location: Worcester Posts: 1343  |
au contraire the cross were planted in front lawns the torches were carried! I know my redneck films!! Pom |
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10th Aug 2011 5:31am |
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| pom Member Since: 01 Jun 2010 Location: Worcester Posts: 1343 |
Just heard Man utd fans are trying to protect old Trafford, unfortunately they're all stuck in the roadworks on the m25.
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10th Aug 2011 6:33am |
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| goug3 Member Since: 12 Aug 2011 Location: London Posts: 9 
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LOL  |
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15th Aug 2011 7:33am |
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| rossy Member Since: 29 Nov 2010 Location: Co. Roscommon Posts: 1296  
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thats the first mention of football I've seen on this forum !
I used to be a fan (villa) but got tired of paying good money to see a bunch of brain dead millionaire alleged rapists running around a square of grass  |
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15th Aug 2011 7:01pm |
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| cobs Member Since: 12 Jun 2008 Location: North Yorkshire Posts: 336 
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Does anyone know any jokes about twins? - someone I know is due to give a speech at his sister's birthday bash - preferably clean as he's a judge!
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15th Aug 2011 7:11pm |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069 
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Gizzard, Liver and Innards
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in". |
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16th Aug 2011 6:46am |
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| szracer Member Since: 10 Oct 2010 Location: Cotswolds Posts: 356  
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One day in Valhalla, Thor, God of Fire, being bored with heavenly existence, decides that a quick trip to earth for a it of 'rumpy-pumpy' with a mortal, would help alleviate some of his boredom.
Traveling incognito, except for his trusty hammer, Thor visits a bar, where he spies a suitable buxom blonde. Being a good looking norse god, and with a gift for patter, he has no problems in persuading the girl that some mutual cohabitation of a degenerate kind would be helpful to both parties concerned. The girl, not saying anything (and impressed with the size of Thor's hammer) nods her agreement. They return to her flat. Seeing as Thor hasn't been down to Earth for 1000 years, and has a lot of catching up to do, they get to it! After sh*gging non-stop for 72 hours, Thor throws back the covers, jumps out of bed, and standing proudly, bellows: "I am Thor, god of Fire!" Semi-conscious with tiredness, the girl wearily replies: "YOU'RE thore? I'm tho thore I can hardwy thit down!" 
2010 110 XS USW (the slow one) 1960 Alfa Romeo Giulietta SZ (the fast one) 2005 Ducati ST3 1954 Sunbeam S8 |
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16th Aug 2011 2:20pm |
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| Merlin Member Since: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Newmarket Posts: 981
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Two twin sisters enter the gates of heaven and start to chat. They ask each other how they died. The first one says I froze to death, how did it feel said the other twin? Well you just get cold and go to sleep. What about you, the other says? Well, she says, I suspected my husband of cheating and so I came home from work early, only to catch him sitting in the nude watching TV. Why are you naked I said, I’m hot he said. But it’s the middle of the winter I replied. You’ve got my sister here haven’t you, I said. No he replied sheepishly. I was so convinced that you were here somewhere I searched the house, bedroom and cupboards, bathroom, kitchen and even in the loft. As I couldn’t find you I started shouting at him, and it was then that I had a heart attack and died.
The first twin says “shame you didn’t look in the freezer, then we would both still be alive”. Merlin |
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16th Aug 2011 3:21pm |
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| pom Member Since: 01 Jun 2010 Location: Worcester Posts: 1343 |
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl, "Of course they bloody aren't, you  idiot! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins...? Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!" I've just started going out with some anorexic twins, two birds one stone I read in the papers today that the McCann's are taking the twins to Portugal. Why can't they just have them adopted if they don't want them. In what must be a Paralympic first, China has entered conjoined twins in the 200 meters race. They are expected to finish neck and neck. |
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16th Aug 2011 4:22pm |
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| pom Member Since: 01 Jun 2010 Location: Worcester Posts: 1343 |
"I have a dream that one day black people will all own plasma tv's, smartphones and dress in the latest trainers."
Martin Looter King ! Ngongo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water and 7 miles for food...........This is because the thick black c**t torched Peckham Spar and Tottenham KFC and now has to walk to Croydon for breakfast. |
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19th Aug 2011 6:09pm |
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| jerseyman Member Since: 21 Jul 2009 Location: Jersey Posts: 279 |
The God of war rode out one day Upon his handsome Filly "I'm Thor" he cried The horse replied "You forgot your thaddle thiily" |
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19th Aug 2011 6:18pm |
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| Froogle-Yorkshireman Member Since: 10 Jul 2010 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 350
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Apparently Steve Davis is to make a snooker come back... He has had surgery to lengthen his arms by 5ft and the rest is history...... Proud owner 110 Utility XS
Ex RR Sport HST V8 Ex Td5 90 |
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23rd Aug 2011 9:46pm |
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| aaronmorris Member Since: 03 Sep 2010 Location: doncaster Posts: 62 
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OMG !!!!! I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi!, how are you?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said " rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions"
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26th Aug 2011 11:07am |
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| Froogle-Yorkshireman Member Since: 10 Jul 2010 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 350
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Sorry Aaron, I wouldn't have called you an idiot if I had realised you were a fellow Defender owner  Proud owner 110 Utility XS
Ex RR Sport HST V8 Ex Td5 90 |
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26th Aug 2011 12:50pm |
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