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| noworries4x4 Member Since: 24 Dec 2010 Location: Newton Abbot Devon Posts: 1195  
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Get the right insurance cover for whatever turns you on:-
Sex with a Sailor - Admiral Sex with a Politician - Churchill Sex with your Wife - Legal and General Sex with your future Wife - Mutual Trust Sex with your Secretary - Employers Liability Sex with a Prostitute - Commercial Union Sex on the phone - Direct Line Sex with your Biographer - Quote Me Happy Sex in a hurry - Insure and Go Sex with your Boyfriend - Standard Life Sex with a Transvestite - Confused.com Sex with someone different - Go Compare Sex with an animal - Compare the Meerkat.com Sex with a Fat Bird - More Than Sex in a car - Sheila's Wheels Sex with a Pensioner - SAGA Sex with a Posh Bird - Privilege.com Sex with a Sheep - Farmers Union Sex with a Haggis - Scottish Widows Sex with a Doctor of Divinity - Clerical and Medical If everything is under control you are not going fast enough. Every Day 16 MY Discovery 4 Commercial Workshop and Escort Vehicle Weekends 07MY L322 TDV8 Vogue SE Series 1 80" 3ltr 6cyl with overdrive No Worries 4X4 |
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30th Aug 2011 9:35am |
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| Merlin Member Since: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Newmarket Posts: 981 
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My dog kept chasing people on a bike, we had to take it away from him.
Merlin |
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30th Aug 2011 3:03pm |
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| Defender SVX Member Since: 29 Jan 2009 Location: Co Durham Posts: 728 
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BBC News: Land Rover confirms new Defender Even a car firm knows what to do Wenger. Formerly mao99999
16 Focus RS Nitrous Blue. 11 FFRR TDV8 Vouge SE Black Black. 08 DEFENDER SVX SOFT TOP (SUPERB) 08 DEFENDER 110 DCPU Stornoway grey (Overland Exploration Unit) 05 Fiesta ST 150 Van 04 Jaguar XKR 4.2 Supercharged V8 02 DEFENDER 90 TD5 (next years soft top project) 95 DEFENDER 110 CSW 300 TDi Phoenix black 95 DEFENDER 90 HT Monti Carlo blue COUNTY 300 TDi 67 109" SERIES 2a TUNED 200 TDI 64 DAVID BROWN 990 rat look 55 86" SERIES 1 |
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31st Aug 2011 9:12am |
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| noworries4x4 Member Since: 24 Dec 2010 Location: Newton Abbot Devon Posts: 1195
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A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly
icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2008 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. F***ing hot down here! If everything is under control you are not going fast enough. Every Day 16 MY Discovery 4 Commercial Workshop and Escort Vehicle Weekends 07MY L322 TDV8 Vogue SE Series 1 80" 3ltr 6cyl with overdrive No Worries 4X4 |
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31st Aug 2011 10:58pm |
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| JSG Member Since: 12 Jul 2007 Location: Berkshire Posts: 2412 
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A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Texas and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$141,237.65". The boss says "$141,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod and reel. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing. John http://www.hampshire4x4response.co.uk 2011 Tdci 110 CSW XS |
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6th Sep 2011 5:28pm |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4661 
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Subject: Tequila
Tequila A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is." As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?" 1982 88" 2.25 diesel 1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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7th Sep 2011 8:09pm |
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| party monkey Member Since: 31 Dec 2010 Location: Oxon. Posts: 1311 
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Was at a restaurant yesterday and the manager approached us to explain that they had taken a large delivery of venison and were unable to sell it all during the lunch service and would we like to purchase any of the surplus?
He offered me eight legs of venison for £250 ........ What you lot reckon ..... was that too dear ? Jon - 110 td5 [sold]. Currently Defenderless. |
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21st Sep 2011 10:45am |
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| warren Member Since: 14 Oct 2009 Location: East Lancs. Posts: 903 
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A german bloke got pulled over by a copper. The copper has a look around the car, and asks the driver to open the boot. He opens the boot and finds a young dead cow in the boot.
"Excuse me sir, why do you have a young dead cow in the boot?" asks the copper, to which the german man replies, 'zat iz ze spare veal!' |
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21st Sep 2011 8:05pm |
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| noworries4x4 Member Since: 24 Dec 2010 Location: Newton Abbot Devon Posts: 1195
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When king Arthur was off looking for the holy Grail he had Guinevere fitted with chastity belt with a small guillotine on it, to stop anyone interfering with her while he was away.
When he returned he asks all his knights to drop their trousers and the only one still with his cock is Lancelot. "Lancelot !he says you alone can i trust as my faithful friend, what shall we do with these traitors? " come on man speak up,have you lost ya tongue"? If everything is under control you are not going fast enough. Every Day 16 MY Discovery 4 Commercial Workshop and Escort Vehicle Weekends 07MY L322 TDV8 Vogue SE Series 1 80" 3ltr 6cyl with overdrive No Worries 4X4 |
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21st Sep 2011 9:40pm |
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| Lorryman100 Member Since: 01 Oct 2010 Location: Here Posts: 2686 |
Wee Shuggie Is In The Hospital . . . ....
Who in the hell is Wee Shuggie? Well Wee Shuggie is the guy who gets home late one night and Senga, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Wee Shuggie replies "I was out getting a tattoo!" "A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred pound note on my privates" he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Wee NED from Easterhouse get a hundred pound note tattooed on his privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred Quid anytime you want." Wee Shuggie is currently in the Great Western Hospital, Intensive Care Unit, Room 23. |
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25th Sep 2011 4:12pm |
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| Merlin Member Since: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Newmarket Posts: 981
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Merlin  |
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21st Nov 2011 3:16pm |
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| iruffell Member Since: 03 Sep 2010 Location: Marlow, Buckinghamshire Posts: 343 
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Woman meets a man in a bar & goes back to his place.
She notices 3 rows of teddy bears on shelves in his bedroom. Bottom shelf has small bears, middle shelf bigger bears & large bears on the top. She thinks he must be sensitive & could be the one. They spend the whole night having sex, no request from him, no matter how extreme, is refused. In morning she asks him 'How was I?' He replies 'not bad at all, help yourself to any prize off the middle shelf...!' |
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21st Nov 2011 3:24pm |
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| party monkey Member Since: 31 Dec 2010 Location: Oxon. Posts: 1311
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Just got back from the funeral of a friend who drowned last week when he fell off his boat. I took a load of abuse for my floral tribute in the shape of a life jacket but as I told everyone at the service, it's what he would have wanted! Jon - 110 td5 [sold]. Currently Defenderless.
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21st Nov 2011 3:30pm |
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| GREENI Member Since: 22 Aug 2010 Location: staffs Posts: 10382
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Two parrots sat on a perch...
One said to the other.. ''Can you smell fish?'' |
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21st Nov 2011 3:31pm |
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