 | Home > Off Topic > Best Joke in the World....Ever! |
 
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| RED-DOT Member Since: 29 Jun 2009 Location: stirling Posts: 2363  
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I got drunk on holiday and got a steering wheel tatooed on my balls... it's driving me nuts!! 2008 RS4 gone, 123d M Sport, and a Puma 90 XS..
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20th Jul 2011 12:19am |
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| ralton Member Since: 04 Feb 2010 Location: Durban Posts: 153  
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"Mommy mommy, where do babies come from", asks the girl?
"Well, daddy puts sperm into mommy, and then babies are made". "Oh", says the girl, "and how does mommy get the sperm inside her?, does she swallow it?" "No my dear, that's only when mommy wants new shoes!" www.ralton.co.za |
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20th Jul 2011 5:16am |
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| party monkey Member Since: 31 Dec 2010 Location: Oxon. Posts: 1311  
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Polar Bear walks into a pub and says to the Landlord....
PB - 'Hi there, I'll have gin and............................................................................................................' 30 seconds passes.... PB 'tonic please' LL - 'Coming right up... but why the long pause ?' PB - 'Err dunno..... I've always had them' Jon - 110 td5 [sold]. Currently Defenderless. |
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20th Jul 2011 2:03pm |
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| RED-DOT Member Since: 29 Jun 2009 Location: stirling Posts: 2363
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Good stuff!!! 2008 RS4 gone, 123d M Sport, and a Puma 90 XS..
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20th Jul 2011 3:58pm |
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| K9F Member Since: 12 Nov 2009 Location: Bournemouth Posts: 9610  
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Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?" If you go through life with your head in the sand....all people will see is an ar5e!! Treat every day as if it is your last....one day you will be right!! |
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20th Jul 2011 6:11pm |
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| Naks Member Since: 27 Jan 2009 Location: Stellenbosch, ZA Posts: 2651 
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July special from Land Rover: for every vehicle bought, the new owner will receive a dog for free. Then he will not have to walk home alone! --
2010 Defender Puma 90 + BAS remap + Alive IC + Slickshift + Ashcroft ATB rear 2015 Range Rover Sport V8 Supercharged 
Defender Puma Workshop Manual: https://bit.ly/2zZ1en9 Discovery 4 Workshop Manual: https://bit.ly/2zXrtKO Range Rover/Sport L320/L322/L494 Workshop Manual: https://bit.ly/2zc58JQ |
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21st Jul 2011 8:57am |
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| K9F Member Since: 12 Nov 2009 Location: Bournemouth Posts: 9610
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2 Scots fellas go into the bakers and the first one asks "Do you want a pie or a meringue?".
The second one says "No, you were right the first time, I'll have a pie". If you go through life with your head in the sand....all people will see is an ar5e!! Treat every day as if it is your last....one day you will be right!! |
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21st Jul 2011 10:18am |
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| party monkey Member Since: 31 Dec 2010 Location: Oxon. Posts: 1311
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Brummie lad goes into a retro clothing store for some 70's gear for a fancy dress party....
Shop assistant gets him the flared trousers and wing collar shirt....and then asks.... "Would you like a Kipper Tie too ?" "Milk and two sugars please" comes the reply Jon - 110 td5 [sold]. Currently Defenderless. |
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21st Jul 2011 11:00am |
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| JSG Member Since: 12 Jul 2007 Location: Berkshire Posts: 2412 
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A car battery, a jumper cable and a bra walk into a pub.
The bra asks the barman for 3 pints of beer. The barman says “No way am I serving any alcohol to you three”. “Why not?” asks the bra. “Because you’re off your tits, and your friends look like they wanna start something!” John http://www.hampshire4x4response.co.uk 2011 Tdci 110 CSW XS |
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21st Jul 2011 12:15pm |
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| K9F Member Since: 12 Nov 2009 Location: Bournemouth Posts: 9610
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." If you go through life with your head in the sand....all people will see is an ar5e!! Treat every day as if it is your last....one day you will be right!! |
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21st Jul 2011 12:32pm |
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| noworries4x4 Member Since: 24 Dec 2010 Location: Newton Abbot Devon Posts: 1195
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Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.
In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob" The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I" Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing If everything is under control you are not going fast enough. Every Day 16 MY Discovery 4 Commercial Workshop and Escort Vehicle Weekends 07MY L322 TDV8 Vogue SE Series 1 80" 3ltr 6cyl with overdrive No Worries 4X4 |
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21st Jul 2011 9:24pm |
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| noworries4x4 Member Since: 24 Dec 2010 Location: Newton Abbot Devon Posts: 1195
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Harley Davidson died and went to heaven and was boasting to God how he'd created the best motorbike in the world! God disagreed, saying Honda's were a better designed bike! Harley said, "What the
 do you know about design. You created woman and look at the problems we have with them! "Ahem", says God, "I think you'll find a lot more men are riding my creation than yours!" If everything is under control you are not going fast enough.
Every Day 16 MY Discovery 4 Commercial Workshop and Escort Vehicle Weekends 07MY L322 TDV8 Vogue SE Series 1 80" 3ltr 6cyl with overdrive No Worries 4X4 |
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21st Jul 2011 9:27pm |
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| noworries4x4 Member Since: 24 Dec 2010 Location: Newton Abbot Devon Posts: 1195
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How fast can you guess these words?, no cheating
1. F**K 2. PU*S* 3. S*X 4. P*N*S 5. BOO*S 6. **NDOM Answers: 1. FORK 2. PULSE 3. SIX 4. PANTS 5. BOOKS 6. RANDOM You got all 6 wrong....didn't you? Don't worry . You don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert. If everything is under control you are not going fast enough. Every Day 16 MY Discovery 4 Commercial Workshop and Escort Vehicle Weekends 07MY L322 TDV8 Vogue SE Series 1 80" 3ltr 6cyl with overdrive No Worries 4X4 |
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21st Jul 2011 9:29pm |
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| DasLandRoverMan Member Since: 24 May 2011 Location: Dumfries & Galloway Posts: 31 
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One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the road.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "The nearest station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver replies, "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?" 1982 Wife 1984 300 Tdi 110 H/T 'Recovery' Plus 4 kids and a dog. Previously owned: 1956 86" Series I, 1960 SWB Series II, 1964 Series IIA Forward Control, 1966 Series IIB Forward Control, 1969 Series IIA Lightweight, 1969 Series IIA One Ton, 1973 Series III One Ton, 1975 101 Forward Control, 1987 V8 90 CSW, 1988 2.5 TD 90, 1988 V8 110 CSW, 1992 200Tdi Defender 90, 1993 V8 Range Rover, 1995 300 Tdi Discovery. |
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22nd Jul 2011 7:53am |
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