 | Home > Off Topic > Joke of the day ... (beat this) |
 
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| steventheplumber Member Since: 29 Apr 2014 Location: Lincolnshire Posts: 767   
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 must be those cones |
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27th Feb 2015 2:45pm |
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| smb Member Since: 15 Jan 2013 Location: Cheshire Posts: 1232  
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Q: What do Jeremy Clarkson, Whitney and Amy Winehouse have in common?
A: None of them are doing Top Gear anymore.  |
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12th Mar 2015 2:21pm |
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| gilarion Member Since: 05 Dec 2013 Location: Wales Posts: 5109  
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Following racist accusations, Jeremy Clarkson has said as a goodwill gesture, and to prove it was all a big misunderstanding he'll invite Lenny Henry onto Top Gear as the Star in the reasonably priced car.
Just as soon as the production team fit a Tracker. For those who like Welsh Mountains and narrow boats have a look at my videos and photos at.. http://www.youtube.com/user/conwy1 |
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12th Mar 2015 2:34pm |
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| Clive Member Since: 21 Mar 2014 Location: Littleborough Posts: 467 
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Three women, two young ladies and a considerably older one, were sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly, there was a soft beeping sound. One of the young women pressed her forearm, and the beeping instantly stopped. The other two looked at her inquisitively. "That was my pager," she explained. "I have a microchip embedded in my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear and had a short chat. When she had finished speaking, she hastened to explain. "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip inside my hand." The older woman felt very low-tech and out-of-date. Not to be outdone, she decided that she had to do something equally impressive. So she stepped out of the sauna and went into the bathroom. Moments later, she returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The other two raised their eyebrows and stared at her. Finally, the older woman explained. "Well, will you look at that... I'M GETTING A FAX!!!" |
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15th Mar 2015 8:26pm |
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| nitram17 Member Since: 08 Jun 2014 Location: newcastle Posts: 2261 |
Adam and Eve early on in the garden of eden when they were both reaching puberty!Adam is looking longingly at eve! all of a sudden he junps up exclaiming to eve "stand back I dont know how big this is going to get"!
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16th Mar 2015 1:01am |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897 
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A stark naked ,drunken woman jumped into a vacant taxi at a London cab rank.
The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He makes no attempt to start the cab. "What's wrong with you luv,haven't you ever seen a naked woman before.?" "I'll not be staring at you, lady." "I am telling you, that would not be proper where I am coming from." "Well if you are not bloody staring at me Luvie,what are you doing then.?!" "Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself....where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?"  |
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19th Mar 2015 12:24pm |
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| Venomator Member Since: 25 Aug 2014 Location: Peterborough Posts: 2087
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Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish in western Quebec, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says: "THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE." As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you religious nuts. We don't need your lectures." From around the next curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says: "that is the third one this mornin'." "Yep," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe the sign should just say "BRIDGE CLOSED"?  Rog... 
The GREEN One... MY2016 Urban Truck Build Thread - http://www.defender2.net/forum/topic40548....al[/color] |
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19th Mar 2015 1:57pm |
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| steventheplumber Member Since: 29 Apr 2014 Location: Lincolnshire Posts: 767
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19th Mar 2015 2:49pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.
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20th Mar 2015 10:46pm |
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| nitram17 Member Since: 08 Jun 2014 Location: newcastle Posts: 2261 |
Statistically six of the seven Dwarfs are not Happy!
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20th Mar 2015 11:39pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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Terrorists have taken a group of polititians hostage in the city.
They have asked for a ransom of £20 million and are threatening to release one polititian at a time if not given what they ask for. |
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22nd Mar 2015 4:22pm |
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| gilarion Member Since: 05 Dec 2013 Location: Wales Posts: 5109
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A gynaecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being a mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.
He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade. When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the exhaust pipe." For those who like Welsh Mountains and narrow boats have a look at my videos and photos at.. http://www.youtube.com/user/conwy1 |
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24th Mar 2015 2:07pm |
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| zone30 Member Since: 07 Sep 2012 Location: Gent Posts: 669  
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Veet for men:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK Uranium ore: http://www.amazon.com/Images-SI-Uranium-Or...B000796XXM Working at google as an autocompleter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kh4ylGsFsws What if google was a guy 1, 2 en 3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuOBzWF0Aw...Bxj5wbeVnT |
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24th Mar 2015 2:16pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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Microsoft's Latest Venture
News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive15, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings. The Contraceptive15 suite consists of three products: Condom15, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive15 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive15 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive15 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom15 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One precaution is that the user must be sure they have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner. DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used. CONCLUSION: Contraceptive15 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic that "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years." |
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28th Mar 2015 7:58pm |
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