 | Home > Off Topic > Joke of the day ... (beat this) |
 
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| Landlord Member Since: 27 Oct 2009 Location: Hampshire Posts: 582   
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After two years at sea, the galleon crew had begun to think they would never set foot on dry land again. then one day a shout of "Land ahoy!" came from the crow`s-nest.
Using his telescope the captain confirmed the ship was nearing what looked like a small island. The crew cheered. Then the captain announced that the island appeared to be populated solely by women. The crew cheered again. "And they`re all naked!" The crew roared. As the galleon neared land, the men leapt into rowing boats and paddled furiously for the shore. When they arrived, the captain asked the first woman they met her name. She told him it was Lucy. The captain asked the second inhabitant and she was called Lucy too. Soon it became apparent that all the islanders had the same name. The captain ordered his men back on board; They all got back on board and asked why they had to leave "Unfortunately", he sighed, "it was a Lucynation 2007 TD5 90 Hard Top |
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2nd Nov 2012 9:48pm |
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| ZeDefender Member Since: 15 Sep 2011 Location: Munich Posts: 4731  
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 You're on a roll 
... although that last one was a bit silly  Tell someone you love them today because life is short.
But shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing... |
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2nd Nov 2012 10:04pm |
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| Landlord Member Since: 27 Oct 2009 Location: Hampshire Posts: 582
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Whats the difference between a tyre and 365 condoms........
Ones a goodyear.......and the others a bloody good year  2007 TD5 90 Hard Top |
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2nd Nov 2012 10:27pm |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069 
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here's a couple :
A Scottish farmer sees a man drinking fae a puddle and says"Dinnae drink oot ae that its foo of coo's pish" The man says "Sorry I am from England, could you repeat that in English" "Yes, use both hands, you will be able to drink more old chap" replied the farmer! |
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3rd Nov 2012 7:59am |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069
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one for Nige:
The landlord of a pub I was in came over to clean my table. He looked down at my glass and asked, "Would you like a beer mat?" I said, "That's awfully kind of you, pal. How did you know my name?" |
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3rd Nov 2012 8:00am |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069
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These questions and answers all took place in american courts...........
Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. _______________________________ Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15. Q: What year? A: Every year. ______________________________________ Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? _____________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. _____________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________ Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? _____________________________________ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? ______________________________________ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? ______________________________________ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? ______________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. ______________________________________ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ______________________________________ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. |
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3rd Nov 2012 8:01am |
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| GREENI Member Since: 22 Aug 2010 Location: staffs Posts: 10383
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Fab!
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3rd Nov 2012 8:10am |
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| Landlord Member Since: 27 Oct 2009 Location: Hampshire Posts: 582
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And wrong sort of landlord but I'll run with it 2007 TD5 90 Hard Top |
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3rd Nov 2012 8:56am |
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| GUM97 Member Since: 05 Feb 2012 Location: Cheshire Posts: 3555 
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I've just bought a Land Rover.
It's a dog that's afraid of water An engine to TDi for!
"Land Rover- Proudly turning drivers into mechanics since 1948"  |
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3rd Nov 2012 5:42pm |
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| custom90 Member Since: 21 Jan 2010 Location: South West, England. Posts: 20455
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How can you tell if an Essex girl has used your laptop?
Because there's Tipp Ex left on the screen. No Guts, No Glory. 🇬🇧🏴🏴🏴🇮🇪🇺🇸⛽️🛢️⚙️🧰💪 |
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4th Nov 2012 4:41pm |
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| ZeDefender Member Since: 15 Sep 2011 Location: Munich Posts: 4731
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Wife is ironing and watching one of those "I'm too stupid to know I was pregnant" programs.
After the birth, the girl told her dad she must have conceived the day after her birthday. He replied "But what was date?"... ...at least I'm not quite the worst dad in the world Tell someone you love them today because life is short.
But shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing... Last edited by ZeDefender on 4th Nov 2012 7:25pm. Edited 1 time in total |
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4th Nov 2012 5:03pm |
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| Killer90 Site Sponsor Member Since: 09 Oct 2011 Location: Hertfordshire Posts: 6478 
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CSK Automotive
www.cskautomotive.co.uk Like us on Facebook - www.facebook.com/csklr Follow us on Instagram - @cskautomotive |
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4th Nov 2012 6:44pm |
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| ZeDefender Member Since: 15 Sep 2011 Location: Munich Posts: 4731
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How do you turn a cat into a dog?
Cover it in lighter fluid and strike a match: ...WUFFF Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing... |
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4th Nov 2012 7:28pm |
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| willy eckerslike Member Since: 15 Jun 2009 Location: North yorks Posts: 1789 
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Breaking news!
Two more have come forward to say they had fingers shoved up their backsides by dead BBC TV stars
Sooty and Sweep say the abuse went on, with the full knowledge of BBC Management for years Original Member Pie n Pea Club. 110 HCPU Tipper |
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9th Nov 2012 5:02pm |
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