 | Home > Off Topic > Joke of the day ... (beat this) |
 
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| Procta Member Since: 03 Dec 2016 Location: Sunderland Posts: 5188  
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At the local Mental Hospital :
Doctor: - "What is this?" Mad Man: - "This is a book i wrote. Total 500 pages." Doctor- "You wrote 500 pages?!... woooooow, What did you write?" Mad man: "On the first page i wrote One King rode on a Horse and went towards the Jungle. And on the last page i wrote The King reached the Jungle." Doctor:- "So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?" Mad Man:- "I wrote; Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik ti tigdik tigdik... Tigdiki tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik ti tigdik tigdik... Doctor :- (stunned) "AND what's that????!!!!!" Mad Man:- "That's the sound of the Horse running...The hooves digging the terrain." Doctor- "AND Who will read your story?" Mad Man: "I will put it on defender2, my mad defender friend's there will definitely read it... One of them is reading it as we speak!" Defender TD5 90 ---/--- Peugeot 306 HDI hatch back Success is 90% Inspiration and 4 minutes Preparation # you can make it! |
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26th Feb 2019 5:30pm |
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| Procta Member Since: 03 Dec 2016 Location: Sunderland Posts: 5188
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Ok, Here is a good one for you lads, I was told this one this afternoon. I am not going to go into how we got into the convo of Black balls,
 Anyway here it goes.
many moons ago back at school the teacher gave mars bars out to the kid that got the answer right to the question, Everyone had a mars bar off the teacher, except for john. John wasn't that bright anyway, but he told his mum and his mum gave him a £1, to buy a mars bar, Well back then mars bars were less than 50p. So runs happily to the shop. Sadly though the shop was sold out of mars bars, He noticed in the pick and mix, black balls. He loved those so asked for a £1s worth. next day at school, he shows them to his class mates, the black balls ended up everywhere. The teacher comes in and shouts who has black balls?! John puts his hand up and says " Miss, mahamed aly and can I have a mars bar" no racesit intended mind! Defender TD5 90 ---/--- Peugeot 306 HDI hatch back Success is 90% Inspiration and 4 minutes Preparation # you can make it! |
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5th Apr 2019 6:01pm |
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| smb Member Since: 15 Jan 2013 Location: Cheshire Posts: 1232 
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What do you call nasal sex??
. . . . . . F.ck Nose!!!! |
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5th Apr 2019 6:55pm |
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| williamthedog Member Since: 29 Dec 2012 Location: south wales Posts: 3441 
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^^^classic
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5th Apr 2019 7:18pm |
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| Procta Member Since: 03 Dec 2016 Location: Sunderland Posts: 5188
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Defender TD5 90 ---/--- Peugeot 306 HDI hatch back
Success is 90% Inspiration and 4 minutes Preparation # you can make it! |
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5th Apr 2019 10:55pm |
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| gilarion Member Since: 05 Dec 2013 Location: Wales Posts: 5111  
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 For those who like Welsh Mountains and narrow boats have a look at my videos and photos at..
http://www.youtube.com/user/conwy1 |
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6th Apr 2019 11:30am |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4708 
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Two lads are sitting in the canteen having their lunch. Two women are sitting near them having their lunch. Suddenly one of the women starts to choke on a piece of food. Her friend is doing her best to dislodge it but without success. One of the lads jumps up and runs over to lend assistance. He gets behind the women in distress yanks down her jeans and underwear the he licks one of the cheeks of her rear end. Suddenly she coughs and up comes the piece of food and she spits it out. Her friend then proceeds to help her to get dressed. Our hero returns to his table and says to his friend.
"I always knew that Hind Lick Manouver would come in handy some day". 1982 88" 2.25 diesel 1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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17th Jun 2019 6:04pm |
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| Dave T Member Since: 07 Jun 2013 Location: Glasgow Posts: 490 
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A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy." The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she replied. "Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?" 2015 RRS Autobiography SDV6 1994 Def 90 300tdi |
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17th Jun 2019 6:16pm |
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| shropshiredefender Member Since: 05 Jun 2017 Location: Shropshire Posts: 834  
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For the past 3 years we've used the same German vet for dog worming prior to returning from a continental road trip, he's a Fawlty Towers fan.
His first utterance (on realising we are English),in the past, has been "Don't mention the war!" Last week - "You can mention the war, just don't mention Brexit!" |
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17th Jun 2019 6:26pm |
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| Procta Member Since: 03 Dec 2016 Location: Sunderland Posts: 5188
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A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?' The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.' The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.' The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.' 'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves.... NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!! One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you? To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.' The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.' The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.' The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.' The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?' 'I DIED', said the rabbit. 'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?' After a short pause, the rabbit said ... 'Mixin-me-toasties Defender TD5 90 ---/--- Peugeot 306 HDI hatch back Success is 90% Inspiration and 4 minutes Preparation # you can make it! |
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21st Jul 2019 9:25pm |
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| RoadForce Member Since: 17 Jul 2014 Location: Holland Posts: 336  
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About a month ago, my doctor left me a short voicemail message saying that I was going deaf and that he would call me back with more details. I haven't heard from him since... Defender 130 HCPU Td5 MY2000
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2nd Aug 2019 12:49pm |
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| smb Member Since: 15 Jan 2013 Location: Cheshire Posts: 1232
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I’m in the middle of reading a horror story in Braille. . . . .I feel something bad is about to happen!!
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2nd Aug 2019 1:00pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897 
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Why do women make good archeologists?
Because they love digging up the past. |
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6th Sep 2019 10:50pm |
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| Landymatt Member Since: 31 Dec 2018 Location: York Posts: 191
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I was told this story by a couple who’d just come back from a short holiday in Spain.
For their last night’s treat they’d chosen to eat dinner in an upmarket restaurant. On arrival they were bowled over by the setting, the service and ultimately the food. The chap however felt the call of nature and said that often when he goes away, things get a bit ‘bunged up’ and this was release time. He said the thing that dropped into the pan more resembled a house brick than a turd, as long as his size 12 shoes and as thick as a bricky’s wrist. It wouldn’t go down. With nothing to chop it with, he headed back to his table, but en route passed a waiter and made a spur of the moment decision to let this guy know what had happened, his reasoning being to at least give the restaurant a chance to sort the loo out and ensure every other customer had a chance of enjoying the same faultless experience he was having. Anyway, not speaking Spanish, and the waiter not speaking great English, the message wasn’t getting across - and this wasn’t the setting for some sort of X-rated charades, so the chap simply took the waiter into the toilet and pointed at the offending article. The waiter’s eyes widened at the sight of this thing, followed by a look of confusion as the chap flushed the loo and it disappeared! |
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7th Sep 2019 6:49am |
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