 | Home > Off Topic > Joke of the day ... (beat this) |
 
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| gilarion Member Since: 05 Dec 2013 Location: Wales Posts: 5110   
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DAVID Beckham is celebrating: “57 days, 57 days!” he shouts happily.
Posh asks him why he is celebrating. He answers: “Well, I’ve done this jigsaw in only 57 days.” “Is that good?” asks Posh. “You bet,” says David. “It says 3 to 5 years on the box.” For those who like Welsh Mountains and narrow boats have a look at my videos and photos at.. http://www.youtube.com/user/conwy1 |
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8th Feb 2017 4:38pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897  
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Someone sent me a text earlier. All it said was 'agnb'.
I think that’s bang out of order.  |
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9th Feb 2017 12:25pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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Click image to enlarge |
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10th Feb 2017 11:40am |
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us off.
| Vogler Member Since: 02 Nov 2014 Location: Brussels Posts: 309  
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Man has a horrific accident, and loses his left limbs and reproductive organs.
Unfortunately no donors were available, but a nearby zoo had to be cleared so the doctors resorted to some animals that had to be put asleep. So Man ends up with the arm of a gorilla, leg of a cheetah and the trunk of a baby elephant for the crown jewels. After a year of intense revalidation Man has a check-up and the doctors inquire to his condition. 'The arm is great,' Man said. 'Its strong and has long reach. I can do twice the work now. Dito for the leg: I'm' soo quick now that I can do even more work, and I beat marathon records. The trunk however... It took the missus a while to get used to and we manage, but if only it would stop to pick up grass and stuff it up my ar$e!' |
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10th Feb 2017 1:35pm |
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| NickEJ Member Since: 24 Nov 2012 Location: Ljubljana Posts: 152  
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10th Feb 2017 3:29pm |
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| Swac3 Member Since: 21 Feb 2015 Location: Aberdeen Posts: 363 |
Guy has an accident at work, the HSE rep calls his wife
HSE "Hi, your husband has had an accident at work today, he got his hand caught in one of the machines and has serious injuries to one of his fingers, he may loose it." Wife, "His whole finger!" HSE Rep, "No, One of the other ones" 3 Landrovers |
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10th Feb 2017 4:59pm |
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| flydive Member Since: 27 Aug 2015 Location: Lugano Posts: 290  
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The simple, Scandinavian designed border wall (with a 5 year guarantee) is primarily made of pressboard with a birch effect and can be assembled with the help of a hex key. A 12,000 page instruction manual with easy-to-understand pictures makes construction child’s play – as long as there is not a single screw missing. “However, assembly requires two people: one person can hold the wall while the second screws it together”, it states in IKEA’s offer. The basic model of the wall is 33ft (10 m) tall and 1,954 miles (3,144 km) long, although the height and length can be extended as desired. IKEA has already announced that it will design other products in the next few weeks that will be compatible with “Börder Wåll”. According to inside sources, this includes products such as the “Gåwk” watchtower and the “Råtåtåtåtåtå” spring-gun. |
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10th Feb 2017 7:32pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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My wife hates the way I make fun about her weight.
She really needs to lighten up. |
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16th Feb 2017 3:50pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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My wife has left me because I'm too insecure.
No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea. |
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21st Feb 2017 3:21pm |
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| Silver Back Member Since: 11 Jun 2015 Location: Lincolnshire Posts: 405  
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My girlfriend calls me a stalker.
Well, I call her my girlfriend... |
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21st Feb 2017 5:28pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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A beautiful garden is the perfect example of God and Man working together in harmony.
Mind you, you should have seen the state of my garden when God was doing it by himself. |
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23rd Feb 2017 12:46pm |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4658 
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Q "Why are you talking into the envelope?"
A "I'm sending a voice mail"  1982 88" 2.25 diesel
1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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13th Mar 2017 2:41pm |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4658
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Baby bear comes down and looks in his empty porridge bowl and says
"Who's been eating my porridge?" Daddy bear comes down and looks in his empty porridge bowl and says "Who's been eating my porridge?" Mammy bear comes out from the kitchen and shouts at the two boys "I HAV'NT MADE IT YET" 1982 88" 2.25 diesel 1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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6th Apr 2017 9:36pm |
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| stanley Member Since: 18 Sep 2009 Location: Dorset /hampshire Posts: 1032 
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The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry" |
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7th Apr 2017 3:24pm |
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