 | Home > Off Topic > Joke of the day ... (beat this) |
 
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| Venomator Member Since: 25 Aug 2014 Location: Peterborough Posts: 2087  
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I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.
I realised that I couldn't find the rake.. I yelled up to my wife, “Where is the rake?" She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion... My wife still didn't hear and shouted back, "What?" I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake" My wife replied signalled back by first pointing to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to working that one out... Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that"? She replied... (Scroll down - it is worth it, I promise!) "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!! Rog... 
The GREEN One... MY2016 Urban Truck Build Thread - http://www.defender2.net/forum/topic40548....al[/color] |
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21st Apr 2015 8:51am |
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| stanley Member Since: 18 Sep 2009 Location: Dorset /hampshire Posts: 1032 
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Dept of useless information 2
In 1762 the Welsh developed the first condom by utilising the intestines of sheep In 1764 the English refined it by removing the intestines from the sheep |
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21st Apr 2015 11:42am |
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| gilarion Member Since: 05 Dec 2013 Location: Wales Posts: 5109  
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there ... I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! For those who like Welsh Mountains and narrow boats have a look at my videos and photos at.. http://www.youtube.com/user/conwy1 |
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21st Apr 2015 2:34pm |
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| stanley Member Since: 18 Sep 2009 Location: Dorset /hampshire Posts: 1032
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I goggled Optrex the other day..........now that's a site for sore eyes
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21st Apr 2015 2:40pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897  
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goggled - That sounds appropriate
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22nd Apr 2015 12:58pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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I bet Jehovah's Witnesses have some really great "Knock, knock" jokes!
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22nd Apr 2015 12:58pm |
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| Venomator Member Since: 25 Aug 2014 Location: Peterborough Posts: 2087
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A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea'. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'. So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'. His funeral is this Thursday. Rog...
The GREEN One... MY2016 Urban Truck Build Thread - http://www.defender2.net/forum/topic40548....al[/color] |
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22nd Apr 2015 6:17pm |
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| gilarion Member Since: 05 Dec 2013 Location: Wales Posts: 5109
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While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviare and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises.... The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell. When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviare, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.....Today you voted. For those who like Welsh Mountains and narrow boats have a look at my videos and photos at.. http://www.youtube.com/user/conwy1 |
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23rd Apr 2015 10:48am |
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| Clive Member Since: 21 Mar 2014 Location: Littleborough Posts: 467 
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 oh so true  |
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23rd Apr 2015 11:39am |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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Click image to enlarge Admin note: this post has had its images recovered from a money grabbing photo hosting site and reinstated |
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24th Apr 2015 10:19am |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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Bert, at 70 years old, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret at age 65, looked him over and replied, 'Nope' Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?' Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, 'Bert, what's different' It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow' Furious, Bert yells out, 'And do you know why it's hanging own, Margaret?' 'Nope. Not a clue', she replied. 'It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!' Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, shoulda bought a hat'. |
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28th Apr 2015 10:32am |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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Orville has been left speechless by the death of Keith Harris according to family members
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29th Apr 2015 1:47pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers NOW! |
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29th Apr 2015 2:57pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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Research has shown that from the age of 20 to 35, men prefer football or rugby, from 35 to 50 they prefer cricket, from 50 onwards they prefer golf.
Anyone noticed that as men get older, their balls get smaller? |
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30th Apr 2015 8:44pm |
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