 | Home > Off Topic > Joke of the day ... (beat this) |
 
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| Lou Sparts Member Since: 15 Apr 2012 Location: Kent Posts: 1501   
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 2005 Td5 90 XS
Steve |
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4th Apr 2015 7:14pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897  
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A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is gobbing off how lazy British truck drivers are. He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in just two days.
This old Geordie man mutters up, "Ah, way ay I used to pick up me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day". The gobby German trucker said, " Oh yah, vot rig were you driving then?" After taking long swig of his Pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replied.......... "A LANCASTER BOMBER!"  |
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5th Apr 2015 10:29am |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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"Its important that we all remember the true meaning of Easter." said the Archbishop of Cadbury.
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6th Apr 2015 10:07am |
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| LRmud Member Since: 22 Oct 2014 Location: IV12 Highland Posts: 198  
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A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters.
As he sits down at the tournament, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "the seat’s empty." "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?" He replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife always would come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else? . .. a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head ... "No. They're all at the funeral." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1989 Defender 90 Toyota Aygo & Honda FR-V |
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8th Apr 2015 3:45pm |
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| gilarion Member Since: 05 Dec 2013 Location: Wales Posts: 5109  
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Nicola Sturgeon was touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumped out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur. " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving, so go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.” The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered,his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. "My goodness, what happened to you?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me." "What on earth did you say to them?" asks Nicola. "I knocked on the door and when it was answered,I said, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.” For those who like Welsh Mountains and narrow boats have a look at my videos and photos at.. http://www.youtube.com/user/conwy1 |
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10th Apr 2015 5:50pm |
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| Clive Member Since: 21 Mar 2014 Location: Littleborough Posts: 467 
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10th Apr 2015 5:59pm |
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| jomara Member Since: 26 Oct 2009 Location: Lanarkshire Posts: 1790 
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 2014 110 2.2TDCi XS Station wagon
1971 Bowler Tomcat 88 4.2 V8 Auto 2022 110 D250 XS Edition - Gone 2024 110 D250 X-Dynamic HSE |
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10th Apr 2015 6:17pm |
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| jhnstap Member Since: 01 Apr 2013 Location: Bournemouth Posts: 73 
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I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine |
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11th Apr 2015 11:34am |
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| shaggydog Member Since: 12 Aug 2012 Location: Kent Posts: 3347 
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Fantastic
Running Restoration Thread http://www.defender2.net/forum/post323197.html#323197
Self confessed mileage hunter  |
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11th Apr 2015 12:39pm |
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| shaggydog Member Since: 12 Aug 2012 Location: Kent Posts: 3347
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How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. Running Restoration Thread http://www.defender2.net/forum/post323197.html#323197 Self confessed mileage hunter |
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11th Apr 2015 7:45pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Holiness, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.'" The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed." "Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million." "My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed." The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... "We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million." "And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Tip Top Bread account!" |
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13th Apr 2015 9:27pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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I'm really pleased with my vegetable patch. Haven't needed a vegetable in weeks.
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20th Apr 2015 9:36am |
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| nitram17 Member Since: 08 Jun 2014 Location: newcastle Posts: 2261 |
This is a part visual joke but use your immagination!
A businesman is a antwerp and is finishing a long boozy night and finds himself talking to a local in a bar ......as he is alone and very horny he asks the local if he knows of a cheap brothel as he only has 10 dollars left...the local says 10 dollers does not get yoy much but he knows of someone who can accomodate him...........he gives the man directions to the red light district and tells him to knock at number 69 and ask for lulu and say you only have ten dollas and want a penguin! He does this and is greeted by a beautiful dutch lady who takes him upstairs.....he hands over the money and lulu asks him to stand and she removes his belt and pulls his trousers and pants around his ankles.......she gets on her knees and starts giving him the best blow job he has ever had............as he is just about to explode in her mouth..she suddenly stops gets up and walks towards the door..........he exclaims lulu and begins to waddle towards her his trousers still round his ankles beconning her to come back........she shouts at him " see you only paid for a penguin" pointing to his gait!"now get out"! ........difficult to describe on paper its better if you demonstrate the waddle! |
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20th Apr 2015 11:41pm |
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| nitram17 Member Since: 08 Jun 2014 Location: newcastle Posts: 2261 |
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20th Apr 2015 11:52pm |
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