 | Home > Off Topic > Joke of the day ... (beat this) |
 
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| Mountain_man Member Since: 09 Dec 2011 Location: Right side of Offas Dyke Posts: 756  
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In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath.
Answer; throw in your washing. We were having a laugh about this, when this big bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits." I said "Sorry mate. Did he drown?" "No," he said, "he choked on a sock." |
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15th Aug 2013 9:38pm |
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| mattlab Member Since: 16 May 2011 Location: suffolk Posts: 143  
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Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger
lounge in Bozeman, Montana, while a waiting their respective flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a Fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At One time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.' The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?' The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl. 'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe its a- comin.' LIFE`S TOO SHORT TO DRIVE A BORING VEHICLE |
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19th Aug 2013 6:30pm |
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| Killer90 Site Sponsor Member Since: 09 Oct 2011 Location: Hertfordshire Posts: 6478  
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How do you make a gypsy take a bath?
Leave it in your front garden.  CSK Automotive
www.cskautomotive.co.uk Like us on Facebook - www.facebook.com/csklr Follow us on Instagram - @cskautomotive |
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19th Aug 2013 9:00pm |
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| ttuck3r Member Since: 03 Feb 2013 Location: Dunning Scotland Posts: 277  
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 Click image to enlarge |
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3rd Sep 2013 8:46pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897 
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2nd Oct 2013 10:09am |
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| TooTall Member Since: 10 Jul 2012 Location: Fens Posts: 504 
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Should I ever get invited to an amputee's hanging...
Then I'm determined to shout out random letters at inappropriate times  "Ease your worries, Clear-up your woes,
Go into your garage & put stuff into rows." Last edited by TooTall on 2nd Oct 2013 1:18pm. Edited 1 time in total |
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2nd Oct 2013 10:16am |
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| Go Beyond Member Since: 30 Jan 2012 Location: Headcorn, Kent Posts: 6678
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letters
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2nd Oct 2013 10:20am |
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| ttuck3r Member Since: 03 Feb 2013 Location: Dunning Scotland Posts: 277
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3 really drunk guys get in a taxi, the driver didn't want any trouble so he starts the engine, revved it a few times then switched it off. "You're here" he said.
1st guy pays him 2nd guy thanks him and the 3rd guy gives him a slap. "What was that for" he said. DON'T GO SO FAST NEXT TIME ! |
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6th Oct 2013 7:31pm |
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| shaggydog Member Since: 12 Aug 2012 Location: Kent Posts: 3347 
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Stephen Hawkins has written a new book........its about time...
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8th Oct 2013 9:56am |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way.I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies.'You actually understood and answered me!' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird' 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.You can't see it, because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!' The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman.' 'What are you talking about?' asks the guy. 'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.' Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?' DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch!' |
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19th Oct 2013 11:31pm |
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| adafish Member Since: 30 Mar 2009 Location: atherstone Posts: 1381 
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had a text from my mate....
"Who sang Tiger Feet ?"..........he asked "MUD " .......I replied " that's right that's right , that's right that's right " he said........................................ cock.. Putting Dreams on Drives at JLR Solihull.. |
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22nd Oct 2013 3:08pm |
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| farmer giles Member Since: 09 Feb 2011 Location: worcestershire Posts: 1299 
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i could never build meccano toys when i was a kid.......
....people said i had a screw loose! |
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23rd Oct 2013 11:59am |
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| VeeTee Member Since: 06 Mar 2011 Location: Somewhere Posts: 1512 
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The other day I saw a Defender parked with this sign behind the windscreen (in Dutch):
Cheers, Vincent
1959 Polynorm 1/4 Ton Trailer, Olive Drab Green (sold) 1970 M416 Military Trailer (Camping Trailer Conversion), Epsom Green (sold) 1975 Series III 88 V6, Light Green (sadly sold) 1996 Defender 110 CSW 300 Tdi, Epsom Green (sold) 2000 Freelander 1 TD4 3-drs, Silver (sold) 2006 Freelander 1 TD4 5-drs Facelift Automatic, Tonga Green (sold) MySite |
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23rd Oct 2013 4:14pm |
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| MartinK Member Since: 02 Mar 2011 Location: Silverdale (Lancashire/Cumbria Border) Posts: 2665 
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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam Defender "Puma" 2.4 110 County Utility (possibly the last of the 2.4's) |
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24th Oct 2013 9:10am |
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