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| roamingman Member Since: 15 Mar 2012 Location: nearly thier Posts: 152  
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MALE vs. FEMALE AT THE ATM
A new sign in the Bank reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.' MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the ATM. 2. LOWER your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Raise window. 7. Drive off. ********************** FEMALE PROCEDURE: (Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!) 1. Drive up to ATM machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Put hand brake on, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN . 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet.? 20. Reverse back to ATM machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and drive off. 25. Redial person on mobile phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres. 27. Release Hand Brake. Live Life Ti'l You Die Teddys are out thier http://teddybearspicnic.webs.com http://130sasha.co.uk/ |
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11th May 2012 11:08am |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069 
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11th May 2012 11:42am |
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| Lorryman100 Member Since: 01 Oct 2010 Location: Here Posts: 2686 |
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the GUTS to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer with lipstick on your collar; slapping your wife on the bottom and having the BALLS to say: 'You're next, Chunky!' I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death. |
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11th May 2012 5:14pm |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069
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this will put you off your tea .... scroll slowly
 Click image to enlarge Admin note: this post has had its images recovered from a money grabbing photo hosting site and reinstated  |
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15th May 2012 7:12pm |
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| JSG Member Since: 12 Jul 2007 Location: Berkshire Posts: 2412  
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HEADLINES FROM 2030?
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions . White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK's third language. Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged. Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa: Sharia law must be enforced. Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet is unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat. Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think. Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success. Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch. Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation! Jose Manuel Rodriguez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032. Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. After a ten year £75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party: Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. Victims to be held only partly responsible for crime. Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches. New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons. Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent. Bradford won this years FA cup final beating the Hindu Hornets 4-1. John http://www.hampshire4x4response.co.uk 2011 Tdci 110 CSW XS |
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17th May 2012 8:47am |
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| JWL Member Since: 26 Oct 2011 Location: Hereford Posts: 3443  
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Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.
The follow on to this is that scientists are unable to complete an 8 year study to prove that the rising levels of the seas around the coast of the United Kingdom(plc) is not due to Global Warming but due to the land sinking under the weight of the population, this research has been withdrawn from being funded by Kentucky Fried Kebabs as they are using the funds to research into the suitabilty of using the edible packaging of their products as an alternative to laxatives prescribed to households in inner city areas on the 3 months of the year the sewers work in their area. |
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17th May 2012 9:10am |
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| ZeDefender Member Since: 15 Sep 2011 Location: Munich Posts: 4731  
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Loved the BBC headline today: "Non-Hispanic US white births now the minority in US" So the white kids will just have to try and "fit in"... Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing... |
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17th May 2012 7:36pm |
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| JSG Member Since: 12 Jul 2007 Location: Berkshire Posts: 2412
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2 WOMEN - are having a coffee and catching up:
So, how was your evening last night? A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you? Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late. It was wonderful. 2 MEN - meet at the pub... So, how was your evening last night? Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You? A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these  candles to avoid knocking everything over.
I was so wound up and off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish.
In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......total disaster. John http://www.hampshire4x4response.co.uk 2011 Tdci 110 CSW XS |
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24th May 2012 7:25am |
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| Naks Member Since: 27 Jan 2009 Location: Stellenbosch, ZA Posts: 2637  
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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started.... -- 2010 Defender Puma 90 + BAS remap + Alive IC + Slickshift + Ashcroft ATB rear 2015 Range Rover Sport V8 Supercharged
Defender Puma Workshop Manual: https://bit.ly/2zZ1en9 Discovery 4 Workshop Manual: https://bit.ly/2zXrtKO Range Rover/Sport L320/L322/L494 Workshop Manual: https://bit.ly/2zc58JQ |
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24th May 2012 8:16am |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069
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brilliant Naks
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24th May 2012 6:21pm |
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| noworries4x4 Member Since: 24 Dec 2010 Location: Newton Abbot Devon Posts: 1195
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A guy was sleeping naked on the beach covering his manhood with a book and a little girl comes along and asks him whats under the book. He says its a BIRD and goes to sleep. He gets up to find himself in the hospital not feeling his lower parts. The doctor calls the girl who was present at the time when the ambulance picked the man, so the doctor asks the girl what happened to the man and she says that… “I was playing with the bird until it SPAT on me, so i got angry and I BROKE its NECK, CRUSHED the EGGS and BURNT the NEST... OUCH If everything is under control you are not going fast enough.
Every Day 16 MY Discovery 4 Commercial Workshop and Escort Vehicle Weekends 07MY L322 TDV8 Vogue SE Series 1 80" 3ltr 6cyl with overdrive No Worries 4X4 |
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10th Jun 2012 9:00am |
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| affiliate13 Member Since: 29 Jan 2012 Location: Belfast Posts: 82 
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Bush Goes to Hell
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George. The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!" |
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10th Jun 2012 9:49am |
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| Projectblue Member Since: 22 Nov 2011 Location: Devon Posts: 1096
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What do you call an exploding monkey?
A BA-BOON |
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10th Jun 2012 9:50pm |
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| ZeDefender Member Since: 15 Sep 2011 Location: Munich Posts: 4731
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Have to share this one.
A few years ago, I went for lunch with two friends at work - Franck, a very amiable Frenchman, and Richard, an Englishman not known for his political correctness... Richard: "What did you do at the weekend Franck?" Franck: "I had to go to Paris" Richard: "Yeuch - what would you want to do that for?" Franck: "I lost my uncle" Richard (quick as a flash): "Have you found him yet?" Richard:  
Lesson - first think then talk  Tell someone you love them today because life is short.
But shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing... |
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11th Jun 2012 7:16am |
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