 | Home > Off Topic > Joke of the day ... (beat this) |
 
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069  
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here's a couple
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3 kgs The length of a penis is three times the length of a thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s. Women blink twice as much as men We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand The woman has read this entire text The man is still looking at his thumb |
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22nd Apr 2012 8:54pm |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069
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Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night. It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. A lion will not cheat on his wife,but a Tiger Wood. |
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22nd Apr 2012 8:54pm |
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| JWL Member Since: 26 Oct 2011 Location: Hereford Posts: 3443  
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I must admit that took me a couple of seconds for that one but it was worth it  |
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22nd Apr 2012 8:56pm |
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| Killer90 Site Sponsor Member Since: 09 Oct 2011 Location: Hertfordshire Posts: 6478  
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23rd Apr 2012 4:45pm |
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| ZeDefender Member Since: 15 Sep 2011 Location: Munich Posts: 4731  
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err... should I answer something different?  Tell someone you love them today because life is short.
But shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing... |
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23rd Apr 2012 4:56pm |
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| richuk Member Since: 13 Nov 2011 Location: Dorset Posts: 201
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You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?" He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.' Rich semper in excretia sumus solim profundum variat |
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24th Apr 2012 4:22pm |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4722 
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DC100
 1982 88" 2.25 diesel
1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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24th Apr 2012 7:54pm |
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| Killer90 Site Sponsor Member Since: 09 Oct 2011 Location: Hertfordshire Posts: 6478
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Best joke by far |
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24th Apr 2012 8:25pm |
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| custom90 Member Since: 21 Jan 2010 Location: South West, England. Posts: 20489
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DC100. You've been Juked
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24th Apr 2012 8:50pm |
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| chiefstoker Member Since: 11 Oct 2010 Location: Weston-super-Mud Posts: 897 
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Paddy and Murphy are in a pub when a woman starts choking on her food. As she starts to go blue in the face Paddy rushes over and goes up behind her. He whips up her skirt, and pulls down her knickers, then he gets down on his knees and runs his tongue up and down the crack of her arse.
The horrified woman gasps and spits her food across the room. Murphy turns to Paddy and says 'Well done Paddy!! I've heard of the Hind-Lick manouvre but thats the first time I've seen it done!!' 2005 TD5 90 Hard Top Beer 'n Sex 'n Chips 'n Gravy  |
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25th Apr 2012 5:31am |
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| ZeDefender Member Since: 15 Sep 2011 Location: Munich Posts: 4731
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Vision of Gwyneth Paltrow
Tell someone you love them today because life is short.
But shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing... |
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25th Apr 2012 5:54am |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4722
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence' 1982 88" 2.25 diesel 1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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27th Apr 2012 4:11pm |
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| Lorryman100 Member Since: 01 Oct 2010 Location: Here Posts: 2686 |
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag . . . |
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30th Apr 2012 12:10pm |
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| party monkey Member Since: 31 Dec 2010 Location: Oxon. Posts: 1311 
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Had a quick lunch with a customer today. Rather odd discussion with the waiter.....
Me : What wines do you by the glass? Him : Semillon Me : No, it's the cut of my trousers and I don't get that excited over wine! Jon - 110 td5 [sold]. Currently Defenderless. |
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30th Apr 2012 1:33pm |
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