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| sasha2001 Member Since: 02 Jan 2009 Location: New Zealand+ russia Posts: 206   
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Morning Sex
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming Or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken." |
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24th Feb 2011 4:47am |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4679 
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Subject: GRANDADS
The difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers:- A grandfather always made a morning available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?' 'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know, we didn't see a single tosser, blind  , dick-head or pillock anywhere today!' 1982 88" 2.25 diesel
1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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24th Feb 2011 8:33pm |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4679
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The couple were 85 years old and had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day. Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinat ed tea?,' he asked. That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.' The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f...ing Bran Flakes.. We could have been here ten years ago!' 1982 88" 2.25 diesel 1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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24th Feb 2011 8:40pm |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4679
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A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, two others had too much to drink, one of the floorboards in the sleigh cracked causing the toy bag to fall to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. 1982 88" 2.25 diesel 1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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24th Feb 2011 8:47pm |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4679
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A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for £500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for £250 and enclose the following typed note: 'Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque for £250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large.' Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for £250 with the following note: 'Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.. So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady 1982 88" 2.25 diesel 1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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24th Feb 2011 9:11pm |
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| fekete Member Since: 24 Dec 2008 Location: Here on the other end of the computer Posts: 3626  
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Wit of the Scots
An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why. Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club? Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock. Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts. Scot: Aye, so do I. Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts? Scot: Aye, neither do I. Secretary: But you are a Jew? Scot: Aye, I be that. Secretary: So you are circumcised? Scot: Aye, I be that too. Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that. Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club. NEVER TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY. NOBODY GETS OUT ALIVE ANYWAY |
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24th Feb 2011 9:19pm |
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| fekete Member Since: 24 Dec 2008 Location: Here on the other end of the computer Posts: 3626
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I Love Dry Slippers
 NEVER TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY. NOBODY GETS OUT ALIVE ANYWAY |
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24th Feb 2011 9:23pm |
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| fekete Member Since: 24 Dec 2008 Location: Here on the other end of the computer Posts: 3626
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Eddie is in the Hospital
Who in the hell is Eddie? Well Eddie is the guy who gets home late one night and: Barbie, his girlfriend says, Where the hell have you been? Eddie replies: I was out getting a tattoo! A tattoo?' she frowned. What kind of tattoo did you get? I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates, he said proudly. What the hell were you thinking? She said, shaking her head in disgust. Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates? Eddie proud of his new Tattoo says, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want. NEVER TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY. NOBODY GETS OUT ALIVE ANYWAY |
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24th Feb 2011 9:33pm |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4679
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And they say money is the root of all evil!
 1982 88" 2.25 diesel
1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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24th Feb 2011 9:35pm |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4679
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I am told there are lobsters in this photo, but try as I might I cannot see them. Do I need to go to Specsavers?
Click image to enlarge Admin note: this post has had its images recovered from a money grabbing photo hosting site and reinstated  1982 88" 2.25 diesel
1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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24th Feb 2011 9:46pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897  
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I can't see the photo
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24th Feb 2011 11:33pm |
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| JSG Member Since: 12 Jul 2007 Location: Berkshire Posts: 2412 
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An MP was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger,"What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the MP. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The MP, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,"Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know ?"
And then she went back to reading her book. John http://www.hampshire4x4response.co.uk 2011 Tdci 110 CSW XS |
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25th Feb 2011 12:13am |
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| Lorryman100 Member Since: 01 Oct 2010 Location: Here Posts: 2686 |
INSTALLING HUSBAND!!!
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Reply DEAR Madam, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.Html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0and Good Looks 7.7. Good Luck Madam! |
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25th Feb 2011 11:55am |
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| Lorryman100 Member Since: 01 Oct 2010 Location: Here Posts: 2686 |
It's Hell to be Old
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.' |
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25th Feb 2011 11:56am |
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