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Lorryman100

Member Since: 01 Oct 2010
Location: Here
Posts: 2686

One Liners.

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what
I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I
think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub
her tummy and say "congratulations "but none of them rub your d*ck and
say "well done"?

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything....I met a bloke with
no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How
are you getting on?"

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby
"Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken
jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted
decking on the patio.

Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to
spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its boll*cks!!

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are
right. After 8 pints I talk sh*t and can't drive!

Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a
rucksack?
The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in
my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick b*sta*d."

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her
twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the
symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy ba*tard and Marge is a skinny bird with
big blue hair."

25th Feb 2011 11:58am

Lorryman100

Member Since: 01 Oct 2010
Location: Here
Posts: 2686

Testicle therapy.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me', she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes', the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin..
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered a tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'

'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'

25th Feb 2011 12:02pm

Lorryman100

Member Since: 01 Oct 2010
Location: Here
Posts: 2686

The correct insurance companies with sex in mind ........

SEX with your wife - Legal & General
SEX with your future wife - Mutual Trust
SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability
SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union
SEX on the telephone - Direct Line
SEX with your biographer - Quote me Happy
SEX in a hurry - Insure & Go
SEX with your boyfriend – Standard Life
SEX with a transvestite - Confused.com
SEX with someone different - Go compare.com
SEX with an animal - Compare the meerkat.com
SEX with a fat bird - More Than
SEX on the back seat - Sheila's wheels
SEX with an OAP - Saga
SEX with a posh bird - Privilege.com
SEX with a sheep - Farmers Union

25th Feb 2011 12:15pm

JSG

Member Since: 12 Jul 2007
Location: Berkshire
Posts: 2412

2011 Defender 110 Puma 2.4 XS CSW Stornoway Grey

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect,they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still inPoland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:

'Polish Remover' John

http://www.hampshire4x4response.co.uk

2011 Tdci 110 CSW XS

25th Feb 2011 12:53pm

willy eckerslike

Member Since: 15 Jun 2009
Location: North yorks
Posts: 1789

2007 Defender 110 Puma 2.4 HCPU Keswick Green

Christianity

One womens lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand Original Member Pie n Pea Club.
110 HCPU Tipper

25th Feb 2011 1:09pm

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