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ian series 1

Member Since: 17 Nov 2014
Location: south
Posts: 3127

2008 Defender 90 Puma 2.4 CSW Bonatti Grey

Workshop tools explained.

Quick guide of essential tools and their use for all DIY freaks:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind
and beyond the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for
manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration
enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine
vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket
within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless
requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty
bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW,
and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from
the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and
throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your
lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after
a really big hammer 80" 80" 86" 88" 90"

Wanted, Forward Control Anything considered.

9th Oct 2017 6:40pm

Silver Back

Member Since: 11 Jun 2015
Location: Lincolnshire
Posts: 407

1998 Defender 110 300 Tdi HT Coniston Green

9th Oct 2017 6:50pm

geobloke

Member Since: 06 Nov 2012
Location: Nottinghamshire
Posts: 4410

Love it...

9th Oct 2017 6:54pm

williamthedog

Member Since: 29 Dec 2012
Location: south wales
Posts: 3441

Sounds about right

9th Oct 2017 6:57pm

Coatesyyy

Member Since: 07 Sep 2017
Location: Knutsford
Posts: 423

Dammit tool

9th Oct 2017 7:04pm

lohr500

Member Since: 14 Sep 2014
Location: Skipton
Posts: 1332

2013 Defender 110 Puma 2.2 XS CSW Santorini Black

Love it !!!

Don't forget

Conical Drill : A handy device for making that hole just a bit bigger than you intended/needed.

Grease Gun : Designed to give long lasting protection to the metal shelving on which it sits between uses through it's magical ability to turn grease into oil.

Air Ratchet : A wonderful piece of kit for spinning off nuts in hard to reach places until the nut being removed causes the ratchet to be jammed up tight against an opposing surface, rendering the reversing switch inaccessible.

Cheap Air tools : Time saving tools that actually make the job ten times longer than using the equivalent hand tool because every time they are called upon they need a full strip down/rebuild to coax them back into life. Ditto. Mig Welders.

9th Oct 2017 7:34pm

Rashers

Member Since: 21 Jun 2015
Location: Norfolk
Posts: 3583

2014 Defender 110 Puma 2.2 USW Corris Grey

Thank you so much. That has lightened my day

9th Oct 2017 7:40pm

ian series 1

Member Since: 17 Nov 2014
Location: south
Posts: 3127

80" 80" 86" 88" 90"

Wanted, Forward Control Anything considered.

9th Oct 2017 7:47pm

custom90

Member Since: 21 Jan 2010
Location: South West, England.
Posts: 20661

TheThunder Rolls🇬🇧🇺🇸
⛽️🛢️⚙️🧰💪

9th Oct 2017 7:49pm

mini Anaconda

Member Since: 23 Aug 2016
Location: Thames Valley
Posts: 806

BORG - Bucks & Oxon 4x4 Response Group

9th Oct 2017 7:51pm

Baz8046

Member Since: 08 Feb 2016
Location: Chatham
Posts: 81

Some of those sound familiar!

Defender Td5 Commercial 2002
Range Rover L322 TDV8 Westminster 2012
Discovery 4 SDV6 Landmark 2016

9th Oct 2017 8:06pm

L110CDL

Member Since: 31 Oct 2015
Location: Devon
Posts: 10902

Nice one

Clayton.

1996 Golf Blue 300Tdi 110 Pick up.
Keeper.

9th Oct 2017 9:16pm

Mash

Member Since: 09 Feb 2015
Location: Guernsey
Posts: 1674

2T ENGINE LIFT.

That increadably good tool at testing the tensil strength of anything you forgot to undo. 90 wolf - Jasmin http://www.defender2.net/forum/topic39408.html
90 V8 - Maggie http://www.defender2.net/forum/topic42564.html
110 TD5 - Buggsy http://www.defender2.net/forum/topic59029.html
52HG25 lightweight https://www.defender2.net/forum/topic72342.html
D3 Hse - Fiona
Capri 2l S - Anna

Think I might have a problem............

9th Oct 2017 9:31pm

bluebottle

Member Since: 08 May 2015
Location: Not in my Landy enough!
Posts: 705

Excellent!

10th Oct 2017 9:40am

Chris90V8

Member Since: 02 Oct 2016
Location: Suffolk
Posts: 714

1987 Defender 90 2.5 TD XS CSW Portofino Red

1st tool that comes outta my tool box at the mo is a BATTERY GRINDER

🚜. ...... . .... . .. 🚗🚐🚛🚚🚚🚗🚙🚐

10th Oct 2017 12:08pm

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