Member Since: 19 Feb 2013
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 1831
Haynes manual Funny
I was sent this by a friend
Ah yes, a Haynes manual. the name of being helpful I have listed
below what Mr Haynes tends to write and next to them you will find the
translation into what it actually means. Enjoy !
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable
spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable
spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable
spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start,
now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers
to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are
doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring
diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have
been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days
and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't
mention it to your insurance company.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of
the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as
I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come
undone use a hacksaw.
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with
adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length
of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly
with a hammer.
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Evostick around here somewhere.
Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before
chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed
washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's
got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy
some Castrol grease.
Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured
exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or
variant model.
HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the
rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out
of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you
have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the front wing.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be
used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed
air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips
rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and
rounds them off.
PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
6th May 2013 7:12am
GUM97
Member Since: 05 Feb 2012
Location: Cheshire
Posts: 3555
An engine to TDi for!
"Land Rover- Proudly turning drivers into mechanics since 1948"
Printing it up and putting it on the wall in the workshop. Superb !!! If everything is under control you are not going fast enough.
Every Day 16 MY Discovery 4 Commercial Workshop and Escort Vehicle
Weekends 07MY L322 TDV8 Vogue SE
Series 1 80" 3ltr 6cyl with overdrive
No Worries 4X4
6th May 2013 8:08am
f15hie
Member Since: 14 Feb 2013
Location: Kent
Posts: 153
Loving the hacksaw reference, so its not just me who cant cut straight. Thank god for pipe cutters
6th May 2013 12:10pm
Mud Dog
Member Since: 11 Jul 2013
Location: Kent
Posts: 31
Took me 5 minutes to pick myself off the floor from laughing! I just got the manual and couldn't agree more!We're not stuck...just enjoying the scenery!
21st Jan 2014 2:54pm
SachaR
Member Since: 28 Feb 2013
Location: Udine
Posts: 40
to true!!
1995 300TDI CSW 90
1968 Mini Innocenti
21st Jan 2014 3:15pm
Little Tom
Member Since: 20 Aug 2013
Location: Lancashire
Posts: 134
BrilliantMichael was just telling me a story about a friend of his who slept with a land rover, lonely nights in the desert..
21st Jan 2014 3:34pm
martinfiattech
Member Since: 13 Nov 2013
Location: leicester
Posts: 422
I`am going to print this one out and give it to guy at work he might learn something.
his favourite tool is super glue
3rd Feb 2014 11:01am
x-isle
Member Since: 26 May 2011
Location: Midlands
Posts: 1327
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An engine to TDi for!
6th May 2013 7:25am
to true!!
